A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said...
"So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M.
Hartington Lodge No. 1021
Province of West Lancashire
United Grand Lodge of England

The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says: "I really can't understand this! The policeman who cought me was a Mason, the persecutor was a Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're bloody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies: "Calm down Brother and step off with your left foot!"

Sent by : Daniel Hoehr
MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodges of Germany)

In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank and outside saw him well enough to indentify him as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaffold, the judge read his sentence, and asked the fellow if he had anything to say. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason. If it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed. The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and said,"Take one advancing step with your left foot."

Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA

-- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"

Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD
St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY

Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ceremony".
Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret"
Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something"
Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN"
Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS"
Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS".
Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge".
Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"?
Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and the Talkers say ... Ohhh My Goddd!!!!!

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.
"Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready?" "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot."

Sent by : Larry Johnson
Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "#2000 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings,and will always promp you when you get stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is #1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for #10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

Sent by : JamesRThom@aol.com

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware--how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?

Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), Australia
(E-MAIL) peter.ellis@dao.defence.gov.au

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realised that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon."
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"
Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish)

Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.

When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.

The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs.

Sent by :
(NAME) Edward Baral
(GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia
(E-MAIL) rok@tig.com.au

A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake).

After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.

His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."

Sent by :
(NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M.
(GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio
(E-MAIL) wb8nhe@bright.net

As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the masonic year, on evenings when no special work is schedualed. This gives them experience for the coming year. One young Senior Deacon got his tongue wrapped around his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the Master he was just practising for annual inspection

Sent by :
(NAME) David Blue
(GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A
(E-MAIL) dblue@v-wave.com

The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman looked at it seccond, and said " That is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and then went over to the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"

Sent by :
(NAME) Richard Saxby Jr.
(GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York
(E-MAIL) sax_7@yahoo.com

One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my own problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who won't pee in a mason jar!"

Sent by :
(NAME) Rob Jones-Cook
(GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia
(E-MAIL) jonescook@home.com

At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

Sent by :
(NAME) Anonimous

A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"

NAME = R Frith
GRANDLODGE = UGLE
E-MAIL = a.r.frith@btinternet.com

For all the Ark Mariners

Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK said Noah and do you want it filing with animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish; Fish said Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Multi-Story-Carp-Ark said God"

There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and refused thier help, after a short while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shortly after he drowns, as he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought you would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner "God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want!

NAME = Siddharth Dhawan
GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India
E-MAIL = sid79@india.com

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother.
That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him".
Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"
"Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."
Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."
"Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him."
So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.
"What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one."
"Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"

At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

NAME = Felix Gordillo
GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida
E-MAIL = fgordill@tampabay.rr.com

There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impecably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!

NAME = Dai McClymont
GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC
E-MAIL = DMcclymont@gautengleg.gov.za

A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only properly tiled room in the house."

NAME = Lawson Purdie
GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland
E-MAIL = lawsonpurdie@hotmail.com

A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night).

NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM.
GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio
E-MAIL = Tubalcain615@aol.com

A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashlightaround looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler Jesus."

NAME = Allan Taylor
GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland
E-MAIL = allan.taylor@ukonline.co.uk

One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorgeous woman. Rabbie promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kissing and cuddling. The woman said "yes, but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you make me a mason" she asks Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The woman tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the morning the lady asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your flesh in the meantime"

NAME = Michael Morton
GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA
E-MAIL = harperwitch@yahoo.com

A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly meeting and asks to become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the records are examined. Indeed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier but had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been there in 86 years, the old man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my passions!"

NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera
GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph
E-MAIL = riverae@dg.anvy.mil

A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidate strongly maintains his composure, fist closed. No matter how the SD explains that they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never opened his fist until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give it away or open his palm if he does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission.

NAME = keith rowell
GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE
E-MAIL = k.rowell@ntlworld.com

two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first,when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep

NAME = W.B. Alex Harper
GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada

Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks.
What do you think goes on in there? asks one.
I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other.
After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped.
What happened to you? asks the first.
Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked.
The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was back out here with you.

name: Andrew Alexander
lodge: Lodge of Commerce
grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria

A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a First Degree. His candidate, though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candidate had taken the advice of some of his new brethren and was repeating whatever the Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now at liberty to retire."
To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that."

name: Allan Barr P.M.
lodge: St. John Slamannan No.
grandlodge: Scotland

A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".
after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the history of Scottish Freemasonry since the foundation of Grand Lodge" the first question was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland founded? to which the brother answered "pass".
undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand Master Mason of Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass". continuing on the questioner further enquired, who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer was "pass". at this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother, tell them nothing"!

name: Charles Kettles
lodge: Mad River # 77
grandlodge: GL of VT

“As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cincinnati, OH. We happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caught our eye. It said, “See our Masonic Birds.”
Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to investigate?
We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecting them the owner came over and offered to help us.
“What’s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes?”, I asked.
“Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree.”, was the reply. How much is that bird I queried. That one goes for $500 said the owner.
“What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked.
“That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750.”, said the owner.
“And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage”, I asked.
“That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he sells for $1,000.”
“Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black trim and hallow eyes.” I inquired.
“Well that bird goes for $2,000.”, said the owner.
“Wow”, I said, “What does he do?”
“Nothing.”, replied the owner.
“Nothing?”, I repeated. “Well, then why are you charging so much for him?” I wanted to know.
“All I know”, said the owner, ”is that all the other birds call him,‘ Most Worshipful Master’.

name: W.Bro Vic Gillam
lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England

A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came across a very narrow cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skeleton which had a sword in its hand. Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a great many skeletons. Being a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge. Looking closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasurer. One of them has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night.

name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE

A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, “W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in the Lodge”.
The W.M. replied, “…thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais!”

name: John Goody
lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790
grandlodge: UGLE

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to the Freemason next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off ­ go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in future, as the Candidate who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if he had felt comfortable during the ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was very helpful in keeping me from staggering!"

name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid.
lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland

A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A short time after the visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dressed daughter slipped into his bed. The Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me from misbehaving with the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter went out to the farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperate, wandered away and lay down in the hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked away was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!"

name: Peter Taylor
lodge: Albert , 448
grandlodge: Scotland

A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food. “I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!” said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!” said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!”

name: Stewart Brass
lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario

There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hotel due to their own lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler standing outside the door of the banquet hall with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk "What is that man doing with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was meeting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the organization that is really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in".

name: Edd Alexander
lodge: Mannford #515
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma

The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist!

name: JP Bernard
lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96
grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec

name: David William Jones
lodge: St Idloes No 1852
grandlodge: UGLE

A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to his Brothers.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?"
The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex ????..."

name: jnchowdhary
lodge: sanchi no. 247
grandlodge: india

A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blindfolded after the prayer the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in whom do you put your trust" he replied before the junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife"

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

The Order
The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical activity, they would spend a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted to wait at the base of the mountain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as an aid to navigation.
Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced the rope from his backpack and instructed everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM’s order, they slowly and carefully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged safely from the mist, tied together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to greet them. “I was very worried when the mist covered the mountain”, he said. “How did you find your way back without anyone getting lost?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” replied the SW. “We’re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply followed the landmarks of the order!”

name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond
lodge: Baden Powell 505
grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia

name: Fraser Card
lodge: King Hiram # 78
grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada

It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years said, "I'll be up when ya get home, so you can tell me all about it then."
Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the shower with his faitful hot on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked.
Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this Lodge thing is going to divide us ? "
Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for the newly invested.....
After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his bride, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the drapes..... and sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word again.... understand then ? "
The bride swears to it all.....
Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors.... enter the first, and remove all your clothes... turn out the light, and open the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on....
"So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and there on a cot was the most beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I've ever laid my eyes on.... laying there all naked she was..... and she was inviting me to take part with her..... "
With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! "
Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me straight to the Odd Fellows Lodge eh ! "
Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago...
Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger then... life is good.

name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio

Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they met there a couple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June. In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would howl and the snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm and cozy as they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believed in and practiced the tenets and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in the building!

Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the source of consternation among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winter months - and in Maine that's November through April - this woman, we'll call her Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the Lodge the morning after a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night." Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy. Every morning after a meeting the Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach because he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had (the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know? Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us?

Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last breath, WB Jones, then Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a moment's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous night's meeting. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tibbets looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him in a very weak but very triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meetings. But it was easy enough to tell how many of you men were there. After a meeting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the little yellow circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there that night!" And with that, she laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin still on her face.

name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM
lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M.
grandlodge: Ohio

This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always made himself the object of the story...

MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know anything about Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in the winter months.

One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Portland for a speaking engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of hours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known for his maintaining the posted speed limit. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances are you might find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition.

But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he got on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, please," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the documents to the officer and while he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a Traveling Man. "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of Masons in Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this time but keep your speed down," the trooper replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.."

Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he was way past the trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augusta and was now about an hour or so away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his rear view mirror. Again, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited for the officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes, I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he was sure it was OK, MWB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he thought. "Only a half hour away."

The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S. thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go again," he thought. Once again, he pulled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, MWB P.C.S. identified himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer began writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?"

The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is Jubilum and what I purpose I perform." And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from his book, gave it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey

name: Gary Woodbridge
lodge: Bolingbroke 2417
grandlodge: U.G.L.E

Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when they would join the Great Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us to depart should come back briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother Pat passed away after a short illness.
Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "Bill"......."Bill",
"Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat.
"Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill.
"Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the festive board is awesome, our workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad point"
"Whats that" enquired Pat.
"Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree"
"Why is that so sad" asked Bill.
"Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon"

name: Flotus
lodge: Philadelphia
grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay

At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated apprentice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in full, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovereign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, “Worshipful Master, at the Temple door, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe”